Added: Marco Hobdy - Date: 22.08.2021 00:08 - Views: 49864 - Clicks: 1803
Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that's just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill. Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positionscan increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom.
Sometimes, a fear they'll bruise their partner's ego holds them back, Tanner says. Often, they don't know how to answer the question even when they're asked, "because they don't even know what they want. So it's important for people to name their communication barrier. No matter what's kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly. Commands like "harder," "slower" "faster," "a little to the right," for example. When you're introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you're in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night.
Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven.
During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, "what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, 'You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I'd like even more? Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side.
So when they're down there, you can say, "this is a great time for the up-and-down! In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Do you know why you want to try it? If there's a very specific way you'd like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach.
Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge. You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator fun!
But if it's because you're drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner.
As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. When they name something that doesn't intrigue you, try a "hmm. It just means you've heard them, and you acknowledge it. After you've shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner's pleasure by asking if there's anything they would like to try if you haven't learned it already from your 'what do you like in bed?
The potential sting of rejection can loom large. And when we do get a no, "we have to ask how important it is to us," Tanner adds. If you've tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, "at that stage, it's become a communication issue," Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner's willingness to follow through.
Can you share what's maybe holding you back? If you've asked them to stop doing something and they won't, Tanner says, that's a consent issue. Alternately, "if you've asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire," she adds.
In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple's therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations. Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. Your Best Life. Type keyword s to search. Getty Images.
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How to Ask for What You Want Sexually